


snow and bullets

by hyejuul



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: F/F, Nothing to see here, happy ending I promise, just another War AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:47:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27745468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyejuul/pseuds/hyejuul
Summary: After 9 years apart, the occupation of a civilian village in the middle of Russia brings Hyunjin and Heejin together in one of the most inconvenient ways possible.-Loosely based on SondorBlue's song, "Escape!"(yes I will continue to convert my old fics mind ur business)
Relationships: Jeon Heejin/Kim Hyunjin
Kudos: 31





	snow and bullets

**Author's Note:**

> yes, it's another fifth harmony to loona conversion fic. yes, I fixed it because I wrote the other one 2 years ago. yes, i will not write/convert another war au because jesus christ it's so much work. no, I will not finish the 7+ fics that are collecting dust in my possession. 
> 
> anyway, hope u enjoy :)

-

"Hey, Sergeant Major, you okay? You're looking a little queasy"

_Sergeant Major._

You scoff internally. 

You don't know how you got to be such a high ranking officer so quickly, but it happened, and here you are. And now you have to live with it for as long as Command will allow, not to mention you have too many people looking up to you to just retire. You had somehow weaseled your way into the Rangers, your missions were top priority and top-secret but extremely important to the war going on in Russia. 

"I'm fine"

_Liar._

"Kim", your head perks up to see your superior officer standing in front of you, "We're nearing the outpost, start getting ready. We need you ready to handle whatever gets thrown at you out there"

You nod and stand at once, trying to push your thoughts out of your head. It only works for a second, the moment you turn to face the clock inside of the van you see the date and it takes over again. 

It's been 9 years.

9 years since you've last seen them. 9 years since you saw the devastated look on Vivi's face, the shock behind Haseul's, the anger behind Jinsoul's. 

And Heejin. 

She was heartbroken. The second the words left your mouth she was frozen, her mouth hung open, and if you squeeze your eyes tight enough you can remember how her eyes had turned dark, filling with tears. 

And you had done it. You had ripped out her heart, stomped on it, and broken it to pieces for her to pick back up. You did that to all of them. And you still don't know why. There were so many other things that you could have turned to, you could have been a teacher, or a therapist, a music producer or writer even. Anything but the army. 

But you had done it, you had gone to the recruitment office on a whim and had signed your life away for four years before you found yourself coming back after your contract had run out. You didn't want to leave what stability you had, the people you had in the army were stuck to you and they looked up to you, you couldn't let them down. 

And now here you are, pulling on as many jackets as you can to fight against the frigid air of Russia. 

"Kim!"

You immediately snap to attention, "Sir!"

"Get your head out of your ass, we need you focused. Right now is not the time to get lost in that head of yours"

You nod feverishly, hoping that maybe the thoughts will leave with the quick movement. You turn to face the Marines under your command, they're all staring at you with serious faces, waiting for their orders. 

"News is that there is a rebel group trying to take control of the village. We don't know what kind of weaponry or technology they have but if the last few attacks have been anything to go by we need to be prepared for heavy resistance. There are innocent refugees in this village, it's a camp point between the main city and the border so we need to lock them down before there are any casualties. The main priority is keeping the refugees and any medics safe, but if you're getting shot at you are authorized to shoot back. Keep your radios on, stay in the shadows, and keep the bullet count to a minimum. We cannot afford for this mission to be a failure. Understood?"

The eleven Rangers in front of you nod, all of them turning to put on the last of their equipment before you're dropped off at the meeting point. 

_Keep it together, you've survived 8 years before. This is just another year._

-

"Team Charlie start moving on the right, Team Bravo hold your position until further notice. Delta move in on the left flank and take it slow"

The words tumble out of your mouth like you were born to say them. 

You and Wonho, your field partner, make your way up the middle path to the village. The trees and the snow on the path give you enough cover in the darkness to make it past the lookout post the Russians have set up. It doesn't take long for you to come up to the edge of the village. It's masked by the darkness and the forest surrounding it, it would be invisible to the planes in the sky if they didn't know it was there. 

"Team Alpha, take care of the guards at the lookout post, we're gonna need a quick escape once we're done. Team Echo, are you in position?"

_"Affirmative, North entrance is clear and Team Bravo are holding the outlook"_

"Excellent, you have permission to proceed. Radio if anything comes up, Team Sierra is moving in"

You put your radio back onto its patch on your shoulder and send a nod to Wonho, signaling that you're ready to move in. You both silently make your way into the village, your night visions goggles lighting the way through the pitch black village. 

_"S.M., there's a couple of rebels on the outside of our building blocking the entrance. How would you like us to approach?"_

Mark, one of the newest Rangers to your team, cracks in your earpiece, causing you to pause in the snow. 

"How many?"

_"At least 5, could be more in the truck next to them"_

"Avoid at all costs, we can't raise any suspicion within the village until the mission is complete. We don't need reinforcements being sent in either, sneak your way around them or create a distraction. No weapons unless necessary"

_"Understood. Moving around"_

You continue your way up to the main building, taking cover behind a large pile of snow that keeps you out of the sights of the rebels. 

"How are we getting in?"

"You take the left flank and I'll take the right. It has to be quick, okay? No raising any suspicion at all, there's windows on the second floor on both side that we can climb up. Our inside man should be there, once we're inside we'll call out and see where the others are"

"Understood"

You nod and signal for the two of you to move out and you quickly move to the right side of the building. The rebels on the outside of the building are oblivious to you moving in the shadows to the side of the building. Once you get to the brick wall you jump up and grab onto the trim of the second floor, hoisting yourself up until you can grab onto the window of the second floor. You switch to thermal vision to make sure there are no rebels on the inside, pushing the window open and silently jumping inside once the coast is clear. 

"Wonho?"

"I'm inside, no rebels in sight"

"Good, make your way to the room to your right and make sure the refugees are safe. When one of them asks you who sent you, tell them Bishop"

"Understood. Moving in"

You finally climb to your feet instead of your crouched position, your knees aching in protest. 

_Fucking hell I'm getting old._

There are two rooms to the right of you but you know they're empty, so you make your way to the door on the left and carefully open the door. In the darkness you can see the refugees bundled up in the corner, a tall man standing once he sees that you're not a rebel. 

"Who-"

You hold up a hand to him, "Bishop. Come on, we don't have a lot of time"

He nods his head at you and says something to the people behind them, causing them to stand. You turn back out of the room and look down the hall to see Wonho doing the same. 

_Doing good so far._

"Alpha and Bravo, are the lookouts taken care of?"

_"Affirmative S.M., the coast is clear and extraction is a go whenever you're ready"_

"Copy that, Team Sierra is currently getting the refugees out of the back. Charlie and Delta how are we doing in the east and west buildings?"

_"Delta is green light"_

_"Charlie is yellow light, rebels are blocking the way out the back and don't seem to be moving any time soon. Requestion permission to engage"_

"Permission granted, make it quiet"

_"Copy that"_

Your radio cracks to silence, signaling for you and Wonho to make your way out of the back. The door on the second floor creaks open as you make your way out and down the steps with the refugees in between you and Wonho. 

"Echo, is the North secured?"

_"Negative S.M., the refugees refuse to leave without the prisoners that the rebels have locked up in the building in the middle of the village"_

_Shit._

"Do they understand that that is quite literally impossible?"

_"I've tried to tell them sir, but they won't move until we confirm"_

You sigh heavily, weighing out your options. 

High Command is gonna kick your ass. 

"Confirm"

"What?" Wonho is quick to disagree with you, he's a strict rule follower and you've been given very strict orders to get out with who you can in as little time as possible, casualties who aren't refugee or American be damned. 

"That's an order", you bark out at him in a whisper, turning your back to him to continue down the steps. 

"Echo, get the refugees out to the East side with Charlie and then get your ass back in here. Delta, get out of here and to the rendezvous point for extraction. Alpha, go with them and Bravo, make sure that Charlie gets out of here as well. Echo and Sierra will extract the prisoners after we drop our refugees off with Alpha team"

There's silence across the radio for a moment. 

You're about to bark out the orders again, but everyone comes in at one time. 

_"Copy that"_

-

" _Hyunjin_ "

Wonho has been trying to get you to retreat back to the extraction point for 5 minutes now, but it's too late now that your feet have crossed back over the soil into the village. 

You’re getting tired of his incessant complaining, your body whipping to turn to him with what you’re sure is a furious look underneath your helmet. 

"Corporal Wonho, I've given you an order as your commanding officer and you will follow it or you will turn your ass back around and go back with the others. There are innocent people inside that building and I will not allow them to be taken into Russian custody. Is that understood?"

You see him tense up at the name of his rank. The two of you don't usually take it into consideration unless you're angry at each other and it's a tough reminder that you're at a much higher rank than him and he can't go against your orders unless he wants serious trouble. You normally wouldn't pull the rank card, Wonho is practically your best friend and you don't even consider ranks when you're out on a mission together. 

But this is different. You don't know why, but there's something about this mission that you will not let go of. There's been a feeling in the pit of your stomach since you got in the chopper back at base, something telling you that today is different.

"Understood, Sergeant Major"

A heavy sigh escapes your mouth, finally being able to move on without any conflict lifts a weight off your shoulder. 

"Echo, are you in position on the North side?"

_"Affirmative, ready to move in on signal"_

"Sierra is green light, Echo push forward"

You pull the silenced pistol from your hip and raise it in front of you as the two of you move toward the main building. It's four stories tall, most of the windows are dark and you can only see a faint light coming from the second floor on the right side of the building. There are too many rebels in the front of the building to take a head-on approach so you take a second to memorize the patrol pattern of the guards on the right side of the building before signaling to Wonho to move in with you. 

You manage to make it up to the right side and to the window, peering in and seeing the light source was from a table of candles in the middle of the room. There are a couple of people attached to the back wall by chains and you immediately push open the window and climb in at the sight of them. 

They all rise up from their slumped position which causes their chains to rattle loudly. 

"Bishop!" You whisper yell with a finger to your mouth to silence them. 

They all freeze, to your luck, and you smile as much as you can with your helmet and lenses on. 

You and Wonho make quick work of releasing them from their chains and ushering them back to the window where you help them out until they're all on the ground. 

"Are there others?" You ask the last woman before she goes out of the window.

"Yes, basement of house", she has a thick accent but you're able to understand her and you thank her by helping her lower herself to the ground with the others. 

"Echo, are you green light?"

_"Affirmative, prisoners are on the ground and moving back out of the camp to meet up with Bravo"_

"Excellent. There's more in the basement of the house and it will be too risky to have all of us go. I'm going to start heading down and-"

The sound of metal crunching and glass breaking outside freezes you in your spot, and then people start screaming from what sounds like downstairs. 

You rush to the window at the front of the room and look outside, your blood running cold as you see the rebels pulling and pushing prisoners out into the snow whilst yelling at them with their guns raised. 

"Sergeant Major!"

Almost like every other time you've been stuck in a compromising position, time slows down and your movements feel sluggish to your brain even though you know your body has kicked into lethal overdrive. Your eyes dart to a soldier who raises his pistol at a man in ragged clothes, not even blinking before he pulls the trigger, sending a bullet through the man's chest. You don't even think about it when you fling yourself out of the window and down to ground level. It would have hurt any other person but you've spent 9 years training for situations just like this and your body expertly rolls and raises like muscle memory. 

"Weapons free!"

The call forces itself out of your throat at the same time your pistol raises to aim at the nearest rebel. They're all thrown off guard long enough for you to pick off 5 of them, but then they're running at you and your body goes haywire. 

There are fists and legs being thrown at you in so many different directions, but you sidestep all of them and manage to get bullets into all of them. Out of the corner of your eye, you see Echo Team and Wonho gathering the refugees to a safer place while you keep fighting off the rebels. You don’t know why they’re going for hand to hand when they clearly have guns, but you’re thankful for their stupidity anyway. Fending them off and landing punches to knock them out is the easiest thing you’ve done the entire mission and it’s not long before they’re all laying on the ground, unmoving or unconscious. 

“Christ, finally”, you shake the feeling back into your body and turn to Wonho. 

You fail to notice his wide eyes and careful steps. 

“Are the refugees taken care of?”

“Yes but Sergeant-“

“Jesus Christ, but nothing! I’m ready to get out of here”

You try to walk back towards Echo Team but the desperation in Wonho's next words freeze you up again, “Hyunjin, we didn’t get all of them”

You finally take in his posture. He’s rigid and tense, his wide eyes trained to behind your head and his hand is on his pistol. 

The moment you turn around adrenaline and anxiety smacks you across the face like a freight train. 

Because Wonho is right, they didn’t get all of the refugees. And you certainly didn’t get all of the rebels. 

Because standing in front of you is a rebel soldier, young and probably scared out of his mind, with the gun in his trembling hands pressed to the head of a refugee. 

And not just any refugee. 

You should have known, you should have known that the nerves running through your body weren’t because of the mission. 

That this anniversary was worse than all the others, that you had never had this much anxiety on the anniversary before. That you refused to turn your back on the prisoners for a reason. 

You figure that by now, had you not learned how to control your emotions, your body would have hit the snow. But it doesn’t because you’re completely stuck, all the blood has drained from your face and everything feels so much colder. Nothing in your body is moving despite the commands you’re trying to shout at it. 

You’re completely frozen and you have no idea how to get out of it. 

Because standing 20 feet away from you, with the barrel of a gun pressed to her forehead, are piercing brown eyes, a singular mole dotted just underneath her right eye.

///

“Are you sure you’re ready to do this?”

“No, I don’t think I ever will be”, your team gives you that look that says they pity you, “But it’s now or never. So can we please just get it over with?”

Your manager nods and places a hand on your back to guide you to the conference room at the back of the building where the rest of the members are waiting. 

They probably think you’re going to announce a new single or something, you know they’ve seen some of the songs that you’ve been writing. 

But you’re not announcing a single, or a duet. 

You’re announcing the end of an era. 

The second the double doors open you see the girls talking at the end of the long conference table. They turn their heads towards you with smiles on their faces, but with the solemn look on your face and the refusal to look any of them in the eye, they turn confused. 

“Hello ladies, I’m glad you could make it today”, your manager smiles politely at them but Sooyoung immediately jumps up. 

“What the fuck is going on?”

“Soo, please-“, Jungeun puts a hand on Sooyoung's arm to try and calm her down but she doesn’t let down. 

“No, what’s going on? Why does Hyunjin look like someone’s died? Is something wrong, are you okay?”

It comes out as a croak, “I’m fine”

“Sooyoung, please, just take a seat and we’ll explain everything”

It doesn’t do much to calm her down but it puts her back into her seat. You make your way to the chair next to your manager and avoid eye contact as much as possible. 

You know they’re all looking at you. You know Heejin is practically begging you to just take a glimpse at her. 

But you don’t. 

You’ve been over the details a hundred times, you know what your manager is gonna say before he even opens his mouth, but the words don’t register to you. The room is dead silent as he pulls out papers and explains what’s happening. 

As he explains that you’re leaving Loona. That you’re leaving the past 4 years of your life behind to move on. 

You knew that this day would come. Everyone did. Maybe not everyone expected it to come so soon, or for it to be you to leave first, but too much has happened, and is happening, for you to stay any longer. 

You feel trapped, you’ve been suffocating for the past year and you can’t handle it anymore. So you’re leaving, and you have no idea what you’re going to do after this meeting is over. 

“-So essentially, Hyunjin is terminating her contract and will officially be a solo artist as of tomorrow” 

You cringe at the way he words it, like it’s their fault and that it’s a burden to be here right now. But he needs to do it, if it was left up to you, you wouldn’t ever leave because you don’t want to break the girl's hearts. 

Your eyes finally raise and they find Heejin's first. And what a mistake that is. 

There’s a look of utter betrayal on her face and she doesn’t even try to hide the tears running down her face. There’s so much heartbreak behind her eyes that it opens up your floodgates and suddenly your face is soaking wet. 

“Hyun”, Yerim's voice cracks on your name, “Please tell me this is some sick joke”

You don’t want to turn your attention away from Heejin, from your _girlfriend_. But you have to look them all in the eyes to tell the truth. 

“It’s not, I’m sorry”

Chaewon scoffs, “You’re not sorry. You can’t be. You’ve probably been planning this forever. What’s next huh? Are you gonna turn your backs on us? Leave us behind like some fucking-“

“Chae, _enough_ ”, Haseul's sternness only throws her off for a second before she’s reeling back at you. 

“No, _no_ , I’ve had enough of this! Of you acting like you’re the victim in this situation, like we haven’t been putting out blood sweat and tears into this group despite everything! We work out asses off and you just-“

“You don’t think I haven’t been working my ass off too?” You’re standing now, angry tears clouding your vision, “I’m exhausted Chaewon! All of the work we put in is for fucking nothing and I feel like I've been suffocating for so fucking long! I’m tired of being tired and I want it to just stop”

This only makes her angrier and soon enough you’re both screaming at each other with Jungeun and Haseul holding you back and trying to calm you down. 

It isn’t until Heejin's soft voice breaks through the air that you stop and then all the anger disappears and is replaced with heartbreak. 

“You lied” 

Your head flings in her direction, her tired eyes piercing daggers right into your heart. 

“Heej-“

“You lied”, she says again, firmer, “You lied this morning. You said you were going to get coffee but you didn’t go. You never went, you went to meet with your manager and now we’re here. Why did you lie?”

“Heejin, I’m so sorry, I wanted to tell you I just didn’t know how-”

“So you left it up to your manager to tell us? You didn’t even wanna warn me? Your girlfriend? Am I nothing to you?”

You can tell that she’s getting angry, her native dialect beginning to lace her words. 

“You know that’s not true, you mean everything to me-“

She laughs coldly and it punches you in the gut, “Oh really? Please, please explain to me how keeping such a huge fucking secret from your best friend and girlfriend of 4 fucking years means that I’m still everything to you!”

You chance a glance towards the others, and now all you see is sadness and pity behind their eyes.

“So tell me, _Hyun_ , how the fuck am I supposed to believe that I have meant anything to you right now? After all that we’ve fucking been through?”

You don’t know how to answer, so you don’t. It’s all a double-edged sword. 

“Answer me, Hyunjin!”

There are too many tears in your eyes and your heart is pounding too loudly in your eyes for your thoughts to come together. 

_“Hyunjin!”_

-

“Hyunjin! Do something!”

The rush of air that hits your lungs jolts your senses and sends your heart into an erratic beat. You come to your senses as quickly as your brain will let you and you remember that you’re in the middle of a mission with the one person you’ve ever truly loved in the hands of a man who could take her away from you in the blink of an eye. 

The man is yelling incoherently in Russian, he keeps backing up and if you don’t unfreeze soon he’s going to walk straight out of the village, Heejin going with him. 

“Okay, okay! Stop!”

You raise your arms and pull your pistol out of its holster, kicking it away from you as soon as it hits the ground. 

“Lower your weapon and give me the hostage, and this will all go smoothly”

He yells some more and you can tell his nerves are starting to get the best of him. 

You take a tentative step towards him but it only freaks him out more, his pistol coming out to point at you instead. 

“Woah okay, okay”, you take a step back with your hands still raised, “Wonho, fucking do something or I’m gonna kick your ass instead of his”

“Me? You’re the commanding officer I don’t have any authority to do anything!” 

“Does it fucking look like I’m in the position to be giving any fucking orders right now?” 

He sighs heavily but cautiously turns to his radio, “Team Echo, Sierra is at red light and are need of reinforcements immediately”

You close your eyes and breathe deeply, hoping that Echo team isn’t too far away. 

You turn your attention back Heejin and the rebel, not knowing if her silence is a good or a bad thing. 

You take the slightest step forward, raising your hands higher as you do so, and luckily it doesn’t freak the guy out. He’s standing still now, realizing he kind of has nowhere else to go. 

It feels like forever that you keep taking careful steps forward until you’re close enough to see the way Heejin's hands are trembling from where the squeeze tightly on the rebels arm. 

Your eyes rake over her body nervously, noting that her hair is longer than the last you saw it. She’s wearing some kind of black robe and you can see faint bruises scattered across her bare arms. You feel anger start boiling underneath your skin at the thought that someone has touched Heejin. That someone has hurt _your_ Heejin. 

But then you realize that you’ve got no right. Because 9 years ago you had hurt her, you had shredded her heart to pieces and left her behind. 

But honestly, you hope she doesn’t care about that right now. In the 9 years you’ve been apart you never started loving anyone else. You couldn’t. Your heart and mind were Heejin and Heejin only, and you hope that it’s the same way for her. 

It’s the slimmest and most unlikely thing in the entire world, but you can still have hope. 

Out of the corner of your eye, you see something move and you figure Echo team has arrived. Now is your time to start distracting. 

"Privet, privet!" You try to catch the rebel's attention by using his native language. 

His gaze slides over to you, his brow furrowed, "Kakiye?" _What?_

"Uh", you quickly try to rack your brain for the Russian you've been trying to learn, "Ty govorish' po-angliyski?" _Do you speak English?_

"No", you crinkle your nose, this is about to get a lot harder, "Pochemu vy govorite po-Russki? Amerikantsy ne dostoyny znat'" _Why do you speak Russian? Americans are not worthy of knowing._

You scoff, "Alright, asshole"

You start taking more steps towards him, noting that he isn't as nervous before, "Dlya situatsiy, podobnykh etomu" _For situations like this._

"Ne priblizhaysya!", _Do not come closer._

You raise your hands again, slowing down your approach, "Vse v poryadke" _It's alright._

You shoot a glare in the direction you think Echo team is, wondering what the fuck is taking them so long to just shoot the man and put your mind at ease. Heejin is growing more nervous by the second and it's making you nervous too. 

He seems to catch on that you and Wonho aren't the only ones with him and starts freaking out again, shouting too many phrases for you to catch on to what he's saying. You step forward again to try and calm him down, luckily for you there's no need because a gunshot rings through the air.

But it doesn't hit him. Instead, Heejin's eyes grow wide and you register another gunshot ringing out. Your brows furrow and you think for a second that he's shot Heejin and this is the last memory you'll have of her. Your feet start shuffling forward but your brain doesn't agree for some reason and you fall to your feet. 

_No. No._

You're even more confused when the rebel falls back, blood drenching the right side of his body and Heejin leaving his grip. 

"Shit, Hyunjin, are you okay?" Wonho is next to you now, staring at you with wide, terrified eyes and your brows furrow even more. 

"Why wouldn't I be okay?" You barely even recognize your own voice, you don't know why but it's too slow and sluggish and you're so confused because now Heejin is kneeling in front of you and her cold hands are pressing against your cheeks. 

"Shit! I think she's going into shock. Echo Team call in for a med immediately and-"

The rest of his words fade out and suddenly you're on your back, cloudy brown eyes searching yours frantically. You think you hear her say your name but you can't be sure, it's been so long since you've heard her deep voice that you couldn't trust yourself to pick it out of a crowd. 

Suddenly you're being picked up and the world rushes around you, blurring into white and black. The only color you see is the beautiful honey that has held your heart for as long as you can remember. 

They're the last thing you see before everything goes black. 

-

_When you open your eyes you're met with the view of a white ceiling, sunlight filtering through a window nearby to cast the shadows of the trees on the ceiling and the wall. You groggily rub at your eyes, trying to get the sleep out of them before slowly sitting up in the bed._

_It takes a second for you to realize where you are, but once you do you swear your heart starts pounding at a million beats a minute._

_It's your apartment. You and Heejin's apartment. Before everything turned to shit. When you were happy together._

_Your eyes trail over the dressers on the left wall, the vanity in the left corner where you can see your reflection, the tapestries and little memoirs scattered over the walls, and the two desks on the right wall in front of the window. You rub the soft material of the duvet between your fingers, relishing in the memories that the bed itself holds._

_You've spent so many sleepless nights here, talking with Heejin, about everything and anything. You've spent so many nights tangled in each other's limbs, light sheens of sweat covering your bodies after hours of activity, and so many mornings waking up to her hair splayed across your face and chest, the steady rhythm of Heejin's breathing underneath your hand._

_The door to the bedroom creaks open and you don't realize you're crying until you look up and see everything is blurred._

_"Good morning! I was getting worried that you weren't gonna- Woah, hey, is everything okay? Why are you crying?"_

_Her voice echoes inside of your chest and it breaks the walls inside of your heart, tears flooding out of your eyes faster and faster as she climbs into the bed and pulls you into her chest._

_You don't remember the last time you were here._

_In her arms and just living._

_She feels the same as she always did, soft and gentle but firm in her actions, slender fingers combing through your hair as the sobs start to subside._

_"I love you"_

_It's so soft that you think maybe you just thought it._

_But she hears it. She always did._

_"I love you too,_ jagi, _but what's wrong?"_

_You pull yourself back to stare into her eyes and your insides melt the second you see all the love that is behind them._

_"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for breaking your heart, for leaving, for joining the fucking army, and ruining our dream instead of just talking with you guys. You mean the world to me, you have no idea how much I want to take it all back Heejin"_

_A sad smile spreads across her face, her hand comes up to tuck some loose strands of hair behind your ear._

_"I know baby", it's such a soft whisper but it's full of understanding, "Trust me, I know"_

_You start crying again and practically throw yourself into her arms again, "Please forgive me, Heejin. Please forgive me. I don't ever wanna live without you again, I don't want to stay here. I'm not living, I'm just existing and it's not the same without you, Heekie"_

_"I already have, Hyun", she presses a gentle kiss to the top of your head, it only makes you cry harder, "Trust me, I already have"_

-

"She's waking up, go get a doctor!"

You don't open your eyes yet but you don't need to, there's already a splitting headache behind your eyes and you know there will be blinding light. 

"Light"

You hear more talking and shuffling and then the light behind your eyes dim, deeming it safe enough to open them. 

Your vision is blurry from sleep and it takes a good minute before everything comes together and you see where you are. 

It's the hospital, you don't know which one but judging by the sunshine and green outside the window you guess it's nowhere near the harsh winter of Russia. 

Your gaze slowly makes its way from the window to the room around you, there's a lot of machines attached to you and the beeping is doing nothing for your headache but you figure you should be thankful they're beeping at all. 

Wonho is sitting in a chair to your right, his eyes trained carefully on you. 

"Hey Aeongie, how are you feeling?"

You glare at him as best you can without hurting your head, "What have I told you about calling me that"

"To not do it or you'll kick my ass into oblivion"

You chuckle but a sharp pain shoots through your chest at the movement, sadly waking you up for real this time. 

"Oh, Jesus fuck- what the hell?"

Your eyes travel down your body, taking note of the red-stained bandages wrapped around your shoulder and the IVs in your arm and hand. 

"Dude", you turn back to Wonho who has an eyebrow cocked at you, "What the fuck happened?"

"You took a bullet for me, you idiot"

You don't need to hear the increased beeping of your heart monitor to know that your heart is practically beating out of your chest. 

You hesitantly turn your head until you're staring into the eyes of the woman you've always loved. 

"Hi Hyun"

Her voice sends chills through your entire body, lighting your bones on fire. 

Wonho clears his throat awkwardly and stands from his chair, "I think I'm gonna, ya know, go get some food or something. You know, army people and their metabolism and stuff"

You watch him shuffle out of the room, closing the door and leaving you alone with Heejin. 

You're sweating furiously, your saliva refuses to go down your throat without a fight and you think you might pass out if you look Heejin in the eyes again. 

She laughs and it's the most beautiful sound you've heard in the past 9 years of your life, "For an Army Ranger I would expect you to have a little more confidence instead of turning into a nervous wreck. You know, cause war and having guns pointed at you is a little bit more intimidating than me"

"I'm not in love with war though", the words slip out of your mouth without thinking and you visibly cringe at them. 

You chance a glance at her and she's looking at you with a sad smile, the same sad smile as in your dream. 

Before she can open her mouth to probably reject you, you stop her, "Did I apologize to you?"

You have very little hope that anything in your dream actually happened in real life, but there's no harm in wondering right?

You're proven wrong though. 

"You did", she says as if it's the simplest thing in the world. 

"Did you say you know? That you already forgave me?"

She visibly falters for a second but her features soften and she scoots her chair closer to your bedside, "I didn't think you would remember it. We were in the chopper and you kept slipping in and out. I figured I'd tell you then, maybe to try and prepare for the conversation when you woke up. Kind of like a test run"

"And you just assumed we were gonna have the conversation when I woke up?" The banter comes easily, it always has. 

"Well, we're having it now aren't we?" A smirk slides across her face and it takes every ounce of control to not jump out of the bed and kiss it off her face. 

But you can't do that. You haven't done that in a long time. It's not an option anymore. You need to be okay with that. 

Noticing your somber expression, Heejin immediately turns serious, "You also told me that you love me"

You grimace. 

With the look on her face, you're expecting her to start yelling. To start screaming and blaming you for everything that happened. To curse at you and wish for things that will probably break your heart. You expected her to say those things 

You don't expect a, "Did you mean it?"

"Wha- What do you- Of course I meant it", your tone immediately grows defensive, anger rising in your throat at the thought that she would doubt your love for her. 

Except you've got no right. Because you left. You broke her heart. You did everything someone who loves her wouldn't do. So really you can't blame her for doubting you. 

You raise your chin at her, more confident in your words this time, "I meant every word of it"

A wave of silence passes over the two of you, you grow more and more unsure of yourself as she continues to stare you down. Like she's searching for something, probably a sign that you're lying. 

A heavy sigh escapes her perfect, pink lips and she stands. 

Your eyes stay locked as she makes her way as close as possible, you lean into her hand as it comes up to stroke your cheek gently. 

Before you know it she's leaning in and pressing a soft kiss to your forehead that lights up your entire body again, and you can hear the beeping on your monitor go haywire again. 

"Thank you for saving my life, Hyunjin", her face is mere inches away from yours and you just want to kiss her until you can't breathe anymore, reach out before she slips from your hands again. She closes her eyes and leans your foreheads together and you try so hard to relish the feeling, to store them away in your brain for safekeeping and keep her in the moment as long as possible. 

But as the universe would have it, she pulls away from you and strokes your cheek one last time. 

"Get better for me yeah? No more getting shot at", there are tears in both of your eyes and you don't know what any of this means. 

Because it feels like a goodbye, like closure, like the end of everything that has ever mattered to you but you don't know and you can't tell. 

Your heart starts cracking as she wipes the tears from her cheeks and gives you one last longing look before turning her back and walking out of the room. 

"Heejin", your voice cracks over her name, you're not ready to let go. 

When she doesn't pause to look back at you or come back in the room you say her name louder. You keep screaming and screaming until your voice is hoarse and the nurses have to come in and sedate you before you reinjure yourself. 

The last thoughts you have before you're consumed by darkness again, is that you feel like _now_ you've truly lost the one you've only loved. 

-

"Hyunjin it's not gonna be easy, you have nerve damage!"

"Yeah well no one fucking told me it would hurt like this, why can't I just fucking hold a plate without feeling like my arm is gonna fall off"

Your dinner plate clatters loudly with the table as your left hand falters. 

You grunt heavily and practically throw yourself into the chair that matches your dining table, which also happens to match the rest of your dining room. 

It’s been 6 months since you were shot, and you know taking a bullet and surviving it is already a pretty big achievement, so you really should give yourself some credit. 

But you can’t because you’ve been unable to do practically anything with your left arm ever since and it doesn’t help that you decided to live alone. 

When Heejin had left and you had been sedated, you woke up to a completely different hospital in the United States, and orders from your superiors to reconsider your career once you were healed. 

You blame Wonho for telling them how you really felt. 

You know the army doesn’t take kindly to soldiers with mental issues, mostly out of fear that you’d do something to yourself with so many weapons available to you. 

Even though you weren’t fully recovered, you’d already told your superiors that it would be best to retire now. Being a veteran, and one with three masters, gives you some perks in the States and it wouldn’t be hard to find a job. 

You haven’t really started exploring your options, you’re waiting until you can actually function with your left hand to do that. 

Plus, you’ve got enough money from your time as a Ranger to last you a couple of years off. 

“You know, maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to go out tonight. I’ll be there with you so it’s not like you’ll be completely useless”

You glare hardly at him, which immediately makes him lift his hands in defense. 

You haven’t exactly recovered from Heejin's disappearance either. 

You’ve been heartbroken and empty ever since you woke up the second time, one of the main reasons you made the decision to leave the army. 

Because you can’t stop thinking about her. You can’t stop wondering about where she is or what she’s thinking or what she’s doing. 

Seeing her again sent your emotions into so many spirals that you haven’t even been able to untangle them all to deal with them. A part of you knows that it’s impossible for you to get over her. She was such an important part of your life; and your first real love and you don’t even want to get over her. There’s always gonna be a piece of you that belongs to her. 

No matter how far away she gets from you. 

You can't help but wonder what got her in that position as well. What the hell kind of career path did she take to end up in Russia during the war?

The doorbell to your lavish apartment rings through the air, Wonho stands up before you can even think of lifting your head up from where it’s fallen on the table. 

You’re not really that hungry anyway. 

“It’s probably someone from the base, you’ve still got some papers to sort out before you’re finally set free”, he jokes and you let a chuckle escape your lips. 

You tune out his heavy footsteps and the opening of your front door, instead focusing on breathing deeply and flexing the fingers and muscles in your left arm. 

You’ve got most of your coordination back, and the doctors have assured you that there isn’t any serious permanent damage, but that you’ll most likely have to keep going to physical therapy and possibly get surgery for the shocks that you occasionally get. 

You don’t realize that Wonho has come back until you feel the chair across from your scrape across the floor and see his boots under the table. 

“Well? Are you gonna get me a pen so I can sign or you just gonna sit there?” You ask in annoyance without lifting your head. 

“Sign what?”

Before you can even stop it your body is flinging itself out of the chair and onto the floor a good 6 feet away from the table. 

_No way. No fucking way. Oh my god. Fuck._

You squeeze your eyes and use your right hand to pinch your thigh roughly, trying to rouse yourself from this stupid stupid dream your brain has concocted to torture you. 

You pinch until you feel your skin getting sore and footsteps make their way towards you. 

“Nope. Nope. I’m not doing this. I’m gonna wake up any second and you’re gonna be gone. I’m gonna count to three, and I will be awake and sad and lonely just like I’m meant to be”, you say to particularly no one considering you’re gonna wake up anyway. 

“I think the point of recovering is to get better Hyun, not reinjure yourself”

_Fuck you brain. Fuck you._

“One”

“Hyunnie”

“Two”

“Hyunjin”

“Thr-“

You don’t make it to the next number, no words allowed to come out as your lips are sealed shut with a finger across them. 

“Kim Hyunjin, quit moping on the floor and get your ass up so I can take you out to dinner” 

The butterflies in your stomach are swarming and you think your heart really might give out if it skips another beat. 

You open your eyes slowly, your vision filled with pale skin and honey brown eyes that are practically glowing and boring into yours. 

Your body allows you a few moments of pure bliss before it kicks into overdrive and suddenly there’s nothing but red hot anger in your veins. 

“6 fucking months, Heejin! 6 months with no word at all, just you leaving me to myself in a hospital room with no idea what to do or what to think and you think you can just show up and-“

Oh so 6 months beats 9 years?”

_Damn Jeon, she’s really got you there._

“I-“

She effectively cuts you off by closing the distance between you two and running both her hands up your arms. Which makes you realize that you’re standing and when the fuck did that happen?

“I had loose ends that I needed to tie up and I didn’t know if I could give you an honest answer to any of your questions without doing so. I’m sorry I took so long, but rescuing people from dangerous countries is kind of hard work”, the sincerity in her voice and her eyes softens you sooner than you’d like, but hey, you’ve always been whipped as fuck for her. 

“I’m sorry”, you apologize for no reason at all except for yelling. 

She smiles at you and runs the back of her knuckles over your cheeks, “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you in the dark like this. If I had known you’d be such a moping mess I would have told you right then and there in the hospital”

You both laugh and it’s the first time in years that you’ve felt at peace. 

“But we have a lot to talk about. You, me, and the girls” 

Your brows furrow, not understanding who exactly she's is talking about. You know that you and her have so much to talk about, and that it’s probably not going to be the prettiest conversation but if she can forgive you for disappearing for 9 years and still love you, you figure you can get over whatever arguments the future holds. 

“The girls?”

“Uh, yeah?” She says like you should know what she’s talking about, “Ya know, your sisters from other misters? The Loonsters?”

You rack your brain at least five times before you realize she talking about the 10 other girls you left behind all those years ago. 

Your eyes widen in bewilderment, “They’re here?” 

“You chose a good time to get shot and move to Los Angeles”

Your face breaks into a grin the same time that hers does, and then you throw all caution to the wind and just fucking kiss her because you’ve waited too long to feel her lips against yours again. 

The second your lips touch your body lights on fire again, you feel every nerve in your body spark to life, including the ones in your left arm. 

It’s messy and definitely not perfect but you and Heejin were never perfect. 

Your lips move together in sync eventually and they just fit together like they’re meant to be and suddenly you’re not kissing because you’re smiling too hard. 

You both pull back and take a moment to catch your breath, chocolate orbs staring into honey ones. 

“I never stopped loving you, Hyunjin. No matter how angry and heartbroken I was, you never left my heart and you never will. I’m not letting you get away this time” 

“I’m not giving you a chance to run after me anyway”

She smiles that beautiful smile that makes you feel like you’ve finally found your home and presses another chaste kiss to your lips. 

It’s better this time, you’re ready and your arms wrap around her neck while hers slide around your waist and you kiss and kiss until your lungs burn. 

It feels a lot like a new beginning to you. 

**Author's Note:**

> my dms/inboxs are always open, find me here:
> 
> twt @kimlippington
> 
> ig @kimberlylippington


End file.
